Credit to Christine Le Piez (translated)
THE FOLLOWING STORY IS BASED ON TRUE EVENTS
The guy went blind. - Correct.
Next question.
Which two countries share the longest border in the whole world?
The longest border shared by the two of them, one on either side.
The same length. - One country on either side.
China and Russia.
Wrong. - Canada and the USA.
OK, next question.
What's the most common Jewish toast? - Toasted matzo!
I don't know. - La'chaim.
La'chaim means 'to life'.
Ask me a question. I know everything. - What does DNA mean?
To me? - No, to everyone, including you.
OK. Deoxyribonucleic acid.
I don't believe it!
We could just measure them to see whose is longest.
Measure them? Yes, let's measure them.
OK, Mario first.
Could be better.
That's a good one!
They're there, they're there. It's the Americans.
Missiles, missiles. Cruise missiles.
The Americans are there.
They're there. They're there.
What's the matter? - It's happening.
What is? - They can't get through. It's blocked.
They're there. - Attack!
It's war, guys!
TIME OF MY LIFE
That's dangerous.
Doesn't look like nuclear missiles. - I reckon it's full of hamburgers.
You up there, get the fuck down!
Get your arse down from there. - You get out of my country.
Thomas, duck!
Shit, Speck. - Sorry.
My hero.
You're my hero too. My two heroes.
A fine pacifist you are. - Sorry, I thought you would duck.
You were lucky, pal. - Me? Absolutely.
Me, I was born lucky.
We have to squeeze into that little tent again later.
There's room in my tent.
Where's Jean-Pierre-Christian- François-Yves-Bernard?
He's gone off to learn to count. - To 69?
No, to two. He usually only got as far as one.
Exit Jean-Pierre-Yves.
What do they say at the sperm bank? - Thank you for coming.
He said he wanted to stay friends but I said I already had enough friends.
You're some chick, you are. - Life is for living!
Nurse.
I'm bleeding badly.
Speck. - A tourniquet.
No, no, it's better now.
Because I held my hand there? The magic touch.
Anyone else? - You've done enough damage.
Suppose you have to choose. - Have to?
Yes, you have to choose. A gun is being held to your head.
Choose. - No.
Choosing is losing. No.
So we're just numbers 384 and 385 on the list?
No, that's the point. - What's the point?
That's the point, neither of you.
Or both of you, that's an option too, of course.
Both of us? - Yes.
Yeah, well, why do you think a woman has two hands?
And two legs?
And two eyes. And two lips. - One small anatomical detail,
why has a woman only got one... - Tent?
Very good, doctor.
Good point, doctor.
Because boys have to learn to share.
I'm up for it.
OK, so am I.
Goodnight. - Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Have we finished?
Go to sleep now.
One. One kiss.
Eh... Hello, I'm here too.
Thomas?
Thomas, how do you want me?
Out of the tent?
Silly idiots! - Does my breath stink, or something?
Someone's there.
What are you lot up to? - Trying to sleep, pal.
No messing about or... - No, boss.
My air bed's deflated.
What a shame!
Push. Call that pushing? - That's pushing.
That's it, thanks.
We're going home, guys!
IN HEAVEN
Baby! - Speck!
Hey, what's going on?
That's mine. - Yeah, yeah. Hi Sask.
Couple of clowns.
Right, shall we go? - Yes.
What an ugly git! - The guy's a monster.
Women are weapons of mass destruction.
See you later.
Fancy a drink? - We could have a drink.
We must have a drink. - We will.
Honestly! - So cool. It's so cool.
Miss? Angel of this heaven?
I would like to order a beer for my friend here.
With gin and milk. - You're a nice friend.
Yeah, I think so too. Shall we be friends?
Haha, nice try.
Here you are.
Lachoom, lachim, lacham... What was it again? La'chaim.
Another one?
A hand.
And another hand. Both for me?
No whispering!
Here's the boundary. A conversation here. And us here.
In the name of the Father
and Saint Lecher. Omen.
When is it your turn? - When you're available again.
Hey, watch it, doctor.
She's mine, hands off. - Listen to him.
Thomas is the godfather? So he didn't get to choose then?
Speck, stop it, pal. Come on.
There you are, a great thinker has been born.
Honestly. That's not funny, Speck.
All philosophers have a beard.
Thank you.
Well done, doctor! Here's Doctor Love!
Here he is, Dr Zhivagina.
Can we all be your patients, doctor? - You can.
Me too, me too. - You too, you too.
A bit higher. - Thomas.
Honestly! - Vote for Verstraete.
Hey, Thomas. - Vote for Verstraete.
Stop, that's enough. I want to be elected.
Here, Milan. - Like this.
Milan, help! Help me!
We need more hot chicks for the workers. - Hot chicks for the barman.
Vote for Verstraete.
Vote for me. - Vote for me.
Certainly not for me.
Can you sign this, please?
You are now officially divorced.
What does a divorced man do? - Masturbate.
Hang around in bars. - Let's go to a bar first, then.
Fine.
Did you make all those shelves yourself, doctor?
Yeah, I made them all myself.
And have you read all those books? - Yes... well, I've read that one there.
That book of photos? - No, it's a colouring book.
Is it a clean illness? I only do clean illnesses.
It's OK, it's my eyes. Mainly my eyes.
That's your age, pal. Shall I prescribe you some glasses?
You're a politician, they all wear glasses.
I wouldn't touch that, because...
Right, drop them...
Just joking, come with me.
And that one? - R-D-O-X-L-D-E-C...
Top, bottom, left, right. I can see all that, Thomas.
But I see black spots all the time.
When I had a shower the other day I saw double for quite a while.
So...
That's not good.
'That's not good.' Couldn't you sound a bit less ominous?
I'm going to refer you to a specialist. - At last, a real doctor.
He's very good.
A neurologist? Shouldn't I see an eye specialist?
If something's wrong, tell me.
No, no. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
It doesn't hurt to exclude various things.
Or to entrust your brilliant, perverse brain to science.
What if they want to keep my brilliant brain and put it a jar?
It'd be a very small jar...
It'd be great if you could see him next week. Yes.
Excellent.
Yes.
Yes, he's a friend of mine.
Right. OK, thanks. Bye.
Right.
That bloody sucks!
Yes.
Condemned.
I didn't do anything wrong. Nothing. And bang, I get life.
Have you made your choice?
Two thirty-threes.
Two thirty-thlees. - That's right.
And to dlink? Minelal water? - Yes.
Two minelal waters to dlink. Thank you.
Thirty-thlee. It's incredible we're still ordering it just to annoy the man.
With plawn clackers. - And flied lice.
When I came outside I thought the world must surely have stopped turning.
I've got MS, I've got multiple sclerosis! Everything's going to stop.
But everything carries on. The buses are still running, people are laughing.
Everything is carrying on, so I must.
Plawn clackers and minelal water.
There you go. - Thanks.
You can learn to live with it. - Your colleague said that too.
'In some cases people just learn to live with it.'
But what about the other cases? - OK...
MS can take various forms.
There are lots of examples of people who have it under control.
Yeah, right. Superman is in a wheelchair too, isn't he?
He just loves that.
I'm so fuckin' angry. So fuckin' angry!
With my body.
My bloody stupid body.
I feel betrayed. I feel so betrayed, Thomas.
Your applause please for André and Jeanine who have been together...
for 250 years because they couldn't find anyone else.
My condolences, Jeanine.
He's full of life. - You know Mario. Doesn't give up.
Can you hear it, Milan? Can you hear it?
It's a cruel illness. He's fine again now
but who knows what will happen the next time he has an attack.
I always worry what the outcome will be.
Yes, but it may stabilise.
You have to learn to live with being ill.
But who wants to, eh? - Thanks, sweetheart.
Fancy a drink? - There aren't many good-looking chicks.
Aren't there? - No.
You're right. You and I'll have to make do with each other then.
D'you know what the advantage of MS is?
There isn't one. Not a fuckin' thing. Oh yes, there is.
You're allowed to piss in letterboxes if you can't wait any longer.
Thank you.
There are other shitty illnesses too, you know.
No, you're right.
The advantage is you don't die of it. The disadvantage is...
you don't die of it.
You'd have preferred otherwise, or what?
You know... you learn to stumble on.
That that works too.
So I'm stumbling cheerfully on, but let me make one thing clear, Thomas,
if one day I can't do it any more, I won't carry on stumbling on.
Meaning?
I'm not going to die a slow, painful death like my grandma.
Let's not go on about Dying With Dignity again.
OK, it's a silly name for a pressure group.
But who can object to dying with dignity? No one.
Are you already thinking about that?
No, I'm not.
Not yet.
One day, maybe.
I need to know that if the house is ever on fire,
someone will take me to the exit. - Typical. What do you mean by exit?
You know very well what I mean.
I need to know I am safe.
That someone will help me, should it ever be necessary.
What does necessary mean?
Will you help me? - Don't talk like that, you're drunk.
I'm not drunk.
I haven't had that much too much, but that's not the point.
Will you help me, should it ever be necessary?
Yes, I'll help you. - Perfect, that's all I need to know.
I know you'll help me. I know you will.
Come on, let's go and have a drink. I'm paying. One last drink.
Or rather, the last but one. Come on, Thomas. La'chaim!
Or I'll be lachrymose.
Come on, Thomas.
PERSONAL COMMENT ON THE EUTHANASIA DEBATE
IF I CAN NO LONGER LIVE WITH DIGNITY,
I WANT TO DIE WITH DIGNITY
So you knew about it? - Yes. Well...
Yes and no, Francine. I mean, I knew...
I knew he was a member of the Dying With Dignity pressure group
but you two knew that too, eh? - Yes, but...
But he always said it wasn't for him.
MS isn't a fatal illness. You've told us that often enough.
So why is he talking about dying? He's still OK?
Yes.
Yes, for someone who is ill.
You will help us, won't you? Promise me.
You have to promise us. It's keeping Roger awake at night.
Of course I'll help you, Francine. Of course I will.
Good.
Good, Thomas.
Hey, a visitor! Hello, citizen.
What's that? - A piece I sent in.
Why? What was the idea?
It's a fight. Like when we were young, Thomas.
That stirs things up. - Yes, that stirs things up.
A lot. Especially for your parents.
I hope no one reads that to your son. Honestly!
'When the time comes, I want to leave this life with a clear conscience.'
For the umpteenth time, Mario, you can grow as old as me.
Or older. - Read what it says.
'When the time comes.' - And we have to sit and wait with you?
'The doctors who've promised to help me aren't murderers who should be punished
but people who will commit a humanitarian act.'
I hope you don't mean me.
If you'll excuse me, I've got other humanitarian acts to carry out.
And call your mother. - My mother? Thomas!
What?
Wait a minute.
Calm down.
Fancy a Chinese?
There you are. What would you like to dlink?
Minelal water. - Minelal water. OK.
He's great. I reckon he only does it to oblige us.
Yeah. But seriously...
Why do you keep on about dying? Why?
I don't understand why no one talks about it.
All those people at their parents' bedside, as they die of rampant cancer,
only talk about the weather, about food.
'It's nice here, the staff are friendly and blah blah blah.'
And that's the solution? Frightening your parents by talking about dying?
I've got it. - Shit.
It's OK. - Sorry.
I can see half of everything perfectly, Thomas.
Half of the world about me, half of this table, half of your ugly face.
Honestly. But the other half is white. A patch of white.
Look, here I can see everything.
Here I can still see my hand and here it's gone. Here I can and here I can't.
I don't know if it's there. Understand?
Is it still there? I don't know.
What will happen when everything has gone?
How will I know whether you are still there?
That you haven't run off and left me here with the bill?
Thomas, you can't imagine how beautiful everything is
when you can only see half of it. Honestly.
My glass is half full, Thomas.
And I cherish every single drop.
But what will happen when all my half-full glasses
are emptied one by one, right in front of me?
What then?
In the event of balance problems,
the difficulty of the exercises is gradually increased.
We start in a seated position, one in which the patient feels safe.
And then standing up, which is a much less stable position.
You don't have to come and live here. Just come along once a week.
This place is top-notch. - Top-notch?
Is that what you call it? Top-notch, hotchpotch.
It's the best in the world, idiot. - Great.
...urological and genealogical problems,
and use physiotherapy to...
Dr Lambert would like to see you. - OK.
OK if I leave you? - Sure. Top-notch.
...weakened muscles and balance problems...
Right. Fine.
Hello. - Ah, doctor.
Thank you for seeing us so quickly. - Yeah, yeah.
Listen, I shall be honest with you.
I think Mr Verstraete has got a nerve, coming here
after everything he's said in the press.
In order to prevent joint problems and maintain mobility
we carry out passive mobilisation and stretching of spastic muscles.
Some patients... breathing exercises...
language exercises... concentration... treatment of the muscles...
with targeted psychological tests we check whether... sometimes...
If we were to give all these people the impression, if only for a moment,
that a gentle, painless injection would put them out of their misery,
we've opened the door.
And then where will they find the courage, every day, to...
Hello, Mr Verstraete.
I'm Dr Lambert. - Hello, doctor.
How are you?
I've seen better films but I'm OK. Top-notch.
Right...
Let's see what we can maybe do for you here
but I have to admit, you won't exactly be the most popular patient here.
Oh, right...
Look, Mr Verstraete, those are my heroes.
Every day they have to concede something, they lose something,
but they don't give up, they carry on. They carry on fighting.
The idea that you would take away their desire to live, their zest for life...
I'm sorry, but to be honest, I don't admire you for that.
He means that... - It's OK, Thomas.
I don't want to take anything away from anyone.
I don't want anything. I admire everyone here.
And you too, doctor, but...
Mario.
Mario, wait a minute.
Mario, wait.
Are you OK? - No, I'm not OK.
No, I'm not OK. I'm not alright. I'm not.
Just wait a minute!
For God's sake!
I don't want to. I don't want to.
Come on, mate.
Bloody hell. Stupid... stupid body.
It's OK, we're going back to the car.
Hey, Jef. We're strong in the Speck family.
We cry a bit, in this valley of tears,
act a bit silly and resign ourselves to our fate.
That's what life is like.
It's a nasty illness, when you see him like that.
MS is an illness that can be bad or not too bad at all. But in his case...
In his case it's bad.
You wonder why they were invented. - Illnesses?
To test us, I suppose.
An experiment by God.
I read you're intending to try to convince the Senate.
I've been invited as a member of the Dying With Dignity pressure group.
Well... - It's good they want to listen, eh?
Incredible they want to listen to you.
Thomas doesn't want to take me, I'm looking for a chauffeur.
We always said we would infiltrate the organs of state.
Aren't you coming? - No, I'm not.
To stick bogies on the benches? - No, I'm not coming.
There are women there... - No!
That's the palace, we want Rue de la Loi.
We're not going to see the king, we're going to the Senate.
Shit. Here we go! Long live the King!
Bloody hell! - What?
What's this, Speck? Baby sick? Ricotta?
I know, but they don't tell you that when you have one.
Everything you put in it comes out again in strange forms and in huge quantities.
But a good conversation, you can forget that.
Can you shut up, Speck?
All those people. - Wow! You're a star, pal.
It's not about the right to die
but about the right to live a full life.
As you know, I've got multiple sclerosis
but I still really enjoy life.
I'm going to carry on until I can't do it any more and I hope
that day is in the very distant future. But when it comes, I won't be afraid.
He made it into the Senate. - I'd rather he'd done it differently.
...and protracted suffering...
Look, that other guy is here.
Dr Death.
And I hope to be able to include you among these people.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mr Verstraete, for this very human testimony.
Who would like the floor?
Mr Verstraete, don't get me wrong, I understand your situation
but do you have any idea of the snowball effect
that your possibly rather selfish act will cause?
Mr Verstraete, I understand your anxiety regarding your declining health,
but your desire to sideline science is, in my opinion, questionable.
Huge progress has been made in controlling pain in recent years.
I wonder if you've asked your doctors and looked into it in sufficient detail.
This amounts to suicide and, by extension, to murder.
Murder with the knowledge, the complicity of the doctors.
But I hope... I sincerely hope you will find the strength to live.
And not to die. Everyone can do that.
Dr Frank Valaeys from Dying With Dignity
also thinks Mario Verstraete's testimony is very important.
What he wants to show and defend is the fact that the patient
has the right to control his life...
You can say what you like but I'm not sure about Dr Ghoul.
It is important for the grieving process of those left behind
that the death is experienced in a positive way.
OK, a positive experience. I can't wait. The sooner the better, eh?
Hand me my crutch.
I knew you'd do that.
And the other one. - Not again.
This is one of our better models. Top of the range.
It's easy to control. On-off, forwards, backwards.
And here there's a belt... - Is that necessary? Hey, Milan.
Be careful. - Milan, Milan, Milan. Sorry, sir.
Hold on. - Brilliant.
Hey, our... - Oh, sorry. Sorry.
We're being followed.
Go, go. - Sit down, sit down.
No, it's OK, it's OK. - Sorry. Is everything OK? Sorry.
No problem. - We'll take it.
Right. - Yes.
Faster. - That's some pan flute!
Keep straight, keep straight, keep straight...
We'll end up in the bushes.
Hello.
Daddy. - What lovely weather.
In a minute we're going to go over the handlebars, crash, explode and die.
Dangerous lunatic!
We survived, my son. - Hold me.
There, a dog. Get the dog. That's it.
That was fantastic. - Very nice.
Fantastic.
You've left your light on. - Oh yeah...
You think it's a shame you can't push me, eh?
Pushing engenders sympathy. - Helping a handicapped guy.
Those stairs aren't a good idea. - It's alright.
I do like mountaineers do, rest now and then.
I'm going to carry you. - What?
I'm going to carry you. - No.
Yes, Mario. - Oh, Thomas.
Come on. Don't.
You wanted to help me. - That's not helping.
Sorry.
I always dreamt of being in your arms. - I can imagine.
You, Tarzan, me... - A faggot.
Going to be able to manage? - Yes, I'm a big boy.
I can go to the loo by myself.
Look. Look.
My leg.
That's my body saying, 'Fuck you, I'm not playing any more.'
It bends upwards every night.
I have to push it back down but it comes back up.
Does that hurt? - Ever had cramp when swimming?
It's like that, all night long.
I'm bearing up, Thomas.
But let's be honest, I'm not getting any better, eh?
Fuck...
I'm going to push a bit further. - OK.
If it hurts, hold your finger up. - Just 'ow' isn't enough?
That's not so clear. Your finger is better.
Here we go.
OK.
You like that, don't you? Hurting people.
That's why I do this job.
I used to go to S&M clubs.
S&M clubs? - You should try it, it's great.
Fantastic. But they kicked me out.
I hurt everyone too much. And it's dear. Expensive.
All that equipment. All those balls in your mouth.
Balls in your mouth? - Bowls, bowls.
Can I see your diploma?
Think about it, Francine. Come and live here.
In the big city for a change. - He doesn't want us to.
It's not up to him. Then you don't have to keep going back and forth.
It'd be easier.
We put our coats on and leave in the evening and go upstairs.
In the morning we come down, take our coats off and ask if he slept well.
We'll have to be quiet. - We can do it quietly.
Watch out.
Throw it.
That's perfect. There you are.
'Every morning at 8 o'clock I have a huge bowel movement.'
'Great,' says the doctor. 'Regular bowel movements are a good sign.'
That's important. - 'That's good.'
'Yes, doctor, but I don't wake up until 9 o'clock.'
That's a good one. - Yeah, eh?
Right. So tell me...
How is the plumbing? - A few leaks.
Leaking pipes. My body's 'taking the piss'!
What about the rest?
Well...
Things are a bit limp down there.
It sleeps even more than me.
I think your chauffeur's here, sir. - Yeah.
I'll just check your reflexes.
Yes, they're still working OK.
Got the right shoes on, Dad? - Yeah, yeah.
Incredible. You're walking to Lourdes?
I can't give you a lift, eh? Otherwise it won't count as a pilgrimage.
Not even a little way?
Having faith is healthy. Gets you out of the house.
Good thing Lourdes is near Oostakker.
Otherwise it'd take you a while.
Nice of the mayor to send his own driver to collect his staff.
Yes. But look.
He was writing a speech yesterday. And I read it.
There aren't any vowels in half the words.
Keep praying, Dad.
And if I'm not cured then Our Lady of Lourdes is deaf.
I said to him to give it to me, I'd copy it out neatly
but he said I didn't need to, it was fine like that.
If... If he can't work any more,
can't read the paper, can't follow politics...
The 1 O'clock News.
The Senate's committee on euthanasia has finished its work.
The final text of the legislative bill has been drafted and sent to the Senate.
The question is will Belgium become the second country after the Netherlands
in which euthanasia is legal in certain cases?
The principle of the bill is...
See you later, Robert. - Yeah.
Be good.
It's very dusty and...
your film wasn't in there properly. - Thank you.
Hello. I'm looking for a really big present.
Size isn't always important, eh sir?
It's the quality that matters.
Thomas, come here. Long time no see, Thomas!
That's some service you get here. - Always.
Hey, Dr Love.
How are you? - Fine, fine.
It could always be better, but I'm fine.
And Mario? - Well... Good and not good.
He hasn't changed. He sees another good cause as a matter of life and death,
but a bit too literally this time.
I'm sure you've heard. - Yes.
I haven't got round to going to see him. - That's OK.
No, it's not OK. I feel really guilty.
The guiltier I feel, the less I dare go
and the guiltier I feel...
That's alright.
But I need a present. - A big one.
Long shall he live. Or is that going too far? Yes, let's sing it.
Long shall he live, long shall he live. - He says not very long, but still...
In glory.
Hip hip hip. - Hurrah!
There! I thought someone was missing.
Look who's here. Superman.
A serious guest at last.
You look like a dog with two tails. Emphasis on dog!
I've brought you two presents. The first one...
For your collection.
Now I can wear my underpants on top of my trousers.
You can laugh but Christopher Reeves is going to make a film.
Yes, with his chin.
The second present is a phenomenal toy.
Full option. And you still know how to use it.
Ready?
Hi...
- Hello, Mario.
Happy birthday, hero of mine.
Hello, Lynn.
I've brought you an extra present. For your ego.
It's the Genius edition. - Trivial Pursuit.
Lynn, if life were a question, you'd be the answer.
That's a good one. I'm going to remember that.
Lynn...
One, one, one. - Right. Brown.
Beatles fans crossed which road 25 years after the LP of the same name appeared?
Oh, thingy... Abbey Road. - Correct.
How many front claws has a parrot got? - Two?
Correct. - I've thrown a six.
Two. You can throw again.
One. Orange.
Again. - Is that a thingy? No.
Come on, Mario. - A good one. A good one.
And he throws the dice.
Green. Ladies and gentlemen, the tension is mounting.
Is he going to beat the previous winner, Dr Thomas, who's in great shape?
Mario is not in such good shape, but still...
I can say that, eh?
Which archipelago inspired Charles Darwin's theory of evolution?
I know it. Come on.
Hold on. Charles Darwin...
An archipelago. That's easy.
Come on, say it. - The Galapagos Islands.
Exactly.
You told me to say it. - It was my question.
Give me another question. That's not fair.
Music. For a wedge.
What was Bob Marley's legendary group called?
Of course.
Come on.
Fuck!
Come on, I know it. Of course, it's...
Hold on. I know it. Shit. Fuck!
I'll tell you. - No, Mum.
Bloody hell!
You don't have to answer. It's not your question. You just ask it.
D'you think I can't remember, that I'll never remember? Do you?